Things to Pass the Time While Hunting

All real Midwestern men hunt deer. The deer need to be hunted to control their population, and dad gum it we Midwestern men are more than up to the challenge. We buy expensive guns and clothing and sit for hours in the freezing cold for a chance to bag one of those leaf munching buggers. But, sometimes the deer just aren’t around. Around me that is, I don’t know about anyone else. I seem to repel all dear. So, when there are no deer, you need to pass the time. Here’s a few things you can do.
Try to play your favorite movies in your mind’s eye. See if by thinking really hard you can get every single line all the way through the movie. It turns out I know all the words to the Fellowship of the Ring, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and the Princess Bride. This is difficult and requires much concentration.
Name all the trees within your sightline and make up conversations between them. This will help you survey the horizon as well. I suggest you make them all personable, as a severe argument between foliage that takes place in your head may cause you to discharge your firearm at whichever unfortunate son of a birch you think is wrong. This will not attract deer. Let’s just hope you’re not out there long enough that ‘Conifer’ the tree starts looking like Ms. October. Then you’re in swamp billy territory.
Make puppets out of your gloves and reenact Shakespeare. Use the local foliage to dress your gloves and give them that early Elizabethan woodsy look. I suggest Hamlet, because you get to have a swordfight between your hands. Just make sure you use sticks instead of your hunting knives, because it doesn’t matter which hand is who, everyone gets cut.
Make a small village out of twigs, and place some corn inside the buildings. If you wait long enough red squirrels will maraud through Maple Street, destroying the homes to get the corn. If you have a camcorder you can make stunning sci-fi flicks. Just hope the squirrels don’t attract badgers... Which they almost certainly would.
Write extensive and complicated memoirs, only write them about one of your friends and load them with humiliating lies. Then, pull the papers from his backpack at camp and share them with the group. It’s a good way to rise above your peers by cutting one of them down a notch. Just be sure he doesn’t have worse on you. Better make those memoirs very, very humiliating.
Memorize a book by Dr. Phil and recite random passages to everyone you meet later on in the day. Use a Dr. Phil voice, and speak with conviction. They will be both frightened and intrigued by your arbitrary psychological knowledge. After you recite a passage, get a deep metaphysical look on your face, as if you’re truly reflecting on this thought. They’ll be too stunned for follow up questions.
This was just a quick list of deer hunting activities to keep you occupied. Wait, perhaps the reason I never see any deer is because I’m sitting in my blind reading books by Dr. Phil and screaming at the local flora... No, no.. The deer are to blame.

Code Red: KETCHUP!

This is an older thing I wrote, but it has special meaning as David, my cousin, sprayed ketchup on me today. I hate ketchup. These are my uselessly spouted ravings about it.

Perhaps the United States as a whole should take a good look at the condiments it has created or imported in its history. I think that once it does, it will find that there is no more room for ketchup. Ketchup has caused fierce debate and sparked many violent outbursts in the food community. That is, the food community that applies such sauces to its food. Ketchup is processed tomato lump that some people feel the need to slather everything they eat with, but what has happened is that ketchup has slathered its controversy all over every restaurant is has entered. Alright, perhaps you think my accusations against ketchup as a being are somewhat.. oh.. insane and unfounded. That is not true, they are founded, but still a bit stupid.

Let's set one thing straight, Ketchup, don't get so comfortable sitting up there in your bottle, all smug and red. You do not hold the solid ground that you think. Those of us who are disgusted by it (so far me, and my eccentric female cousin) are going to rise up and rebel! No, no we probably wont. But it's a wonderful little pipedream we have. Sure, we would love to stick it to you tomato mashers, but we haven't got the ambition.
Plus, ketchup is red. Know what else is red? Communism. The tomato paste proletariat must be eviscerated.

Let's talk about ketchup containment units. If anything needs to be contained, it's malodorous, disgusting ketchup. However, there has been only failure in this aspect of the industry. Science in all its graces has placed little importance on this.

The bottom of the line, the absolute worst ketchup container is the packet. Everyone on EARTH should hate the ketchup packet with a passion. The amount of ketchup inside is not fit for even the smallest ketchup consumer, so one is forced to grab a sizable handful of the little demons. Then, upon trying to open and squeeze it out, you get the vile liquid all over your hands. Now, reeking like so much processed tomato gunk, you fumble through the rest of the packets, squeezing the tiny amount onto your cardboard cheeseburger container. what's to be done with the seventy-five little empty ketchup packets? if you set them next to you on your counter, crumpled and scattered, the ketchup remnants will become smeared across the counter surface and your hands, and you're bound to put a cuff or an elbow in it, then you'll have to go back home and change shirts. Go to Hell, ketchup packet.

The second worse is the glass ketchup bottle. Though cosmetically the best choice, the glass bottle is the worst route for the fancy restaurants it chooses to reside in. It is, if possible, just as messy (or worse) than the packet. When you open it, not an ounce of ketchup will flow freely from inside. It must be coerced. You can shake it and look like a moron, eventually causing the entire ketchup reservoir to burst forth upon your pant legs. This of courses results in cries of "Aww god.." and ruined evenings. The alternative is to dig it out with your butter knife. While on the surface this plan seems efficient, its aftershock is devastating. You've knifed your ketchup, and are elated that you will be able to slather your fries in it and wash it down with a glass of RC cola, but wait! What on earth do you do with your knife now? It's covered to the hilt in smelly ketchup. Do you sit it on your napkin, thereby eliminating the cleanup capabilities of the cloth? Just so you can conceal your dirty knife? Think of the awkward situation with the water that would take place, embarrassing your loved ones to death.
Waiter: Everything ok here si... What's this?
You: Oh, (laughs nervously) that's my
butter knife.
Waiter: Why didn't you ask me for help
with the ketchup, or a new knife?
You: I didn't want to impose.
Waiter: I thought our relationship
was stronger than this, you don't
care about my waiting abilities at
all, you had to be a vigilante didn't you.
You: I'm sorry.. You can get me a new
knife now, if you'd like.
Waiter: Screw you get your own knife. (sobs)
This is a serious situation that will require years of counseling to erase from your memory. Come to think of it, maybe if you wiped the ketchup on the inside of the bottle you wouldn't run into quite as much trouble. Yeah, do that.

We now move to the second best ketchup storage system, the plastic squeeze bottle. The plastic squeeze bottle seems to have all of the bases covered. Easy ketchup removal at a fraction of the mess. However, it does provide a huge problem. The crusty ketchup residue on the lid. This putrid smelling slimy crust is the reason I hate ketchup. Also, ketchup tends to squirt out a thin red liquid that has coagulated on the surface of the thicker muck beneath it unless the bottle is shaken. Disgusting.

Now, the best ketchup dispersal system in the world for all its faults is the squirt bottle in restaurants. You don't have to get anywhere near the area of ketchup travel, and you are free to take your desired amount in those little cups. Why on earth would you have anything else? I say, fast food MUST have the squirt bottle and fancy restaurants can have those little red squirt bottles. No glass, no packets, and certainly no odorous ketchup bar. Please, ketchup eaters, keep the use to a minimum. Also, what's a fancy restaurant doing serving ketchup? Chefs would spit in your food if they knew you were putting ketchup on it. We all know what happened when I Love Lucy was in France and wanted ketchup to help choke down the snails.

People complain about smoking because of the smell, but I think the smell of crusty old ketchup on a squeeze lid in the refrigerator is much, much worse. Not only that, but grubby ketchup covered users that lurk behind Burger King waiting for the thrown away packets are becoming a dangerous problem. No, I have no proof, but I don't have to. Ketchup, pack your bags, it's time for you to go. Oh, and horse radish, sleep with one eye open.