Things to Pass the Time While Hunting

All real Midwestern men hunt deer. The deer need to be hunted to control their population, and dad gum it we Midwestern men are more than up to the challenge. We buy expensive guns and clothing and sit for hours in the freezing cold for a chance to bag one of those leaf munching buggers. But, sometimes the deer just aren’t around. Around me that is, I don’t know about anyone else. I seem to repel all dear. So, when there are no deer, you need to pass the time. Here’s a few things you can do.
Try to play your favorite movies in your mind’s eye. See if by thinking really hard you can get every single line all the way through the movie. It turns out I know all the words to the Fellowship of the Ring, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and the Princess Bride. This is difficult and requires much concentration.
Name all the trees within your sightline and make up conversations between them. This will help you survey the horizon as well. I suggest you make them all personable, as a severe argument between foliage that takes place in your head may cause you to discharge your firearm at whichever unfortunate son of a birch you think is wrong. This will not attract deer. Let’s just hope you’re not out there long enough that ‘Conifer’ the tree starts looking like Ms. October. Then you’re in swamp billy territory.
Make puppets out of your gloves and reenact Shakespeare. Use the local foliage to dress your gloves and give them that early Elizabethan woodsy look. I suggest Hamlet, because you get to have a swordfight between your hands. Just make sure you use sticks instead of your hunting knives, because it doesn’t matter which hand is who, everyone gets cut.
Make a small village out of twigs, and place some corn inside the buildings. If you wait long enough red squirrels will maraud through Maple Street, destroying the homes to get the corn. If you have a camcorder you can make stunning sci-fi flicks. Just hope the squirrels don’t attract badgers... Which they almost certainly would.
Write extensive and complicated memoirs, only write them about one of your friends and load them with humiliating lies. Then, pull the papers from his backpack at camp and share them with the group. It’s a good way to rise above your peers by cutting one of them down a notch. Just be sure he doesn’t have worse on you. Better make those memoirs very, very humiliating.
Memorize a book by Dr. Phil and recite random passages to everyone you meet later on in the day. Use a Dr. Phil voice, and speak with conviction. They will be both frightened and intrigued by your arbitrary psychological knowledge. After you recite a passage, get a deep metaphysical look on your face, as if you’re truly reflecting on this thought. They’ll be too stunned for follow up questions.
This was just a quick list of deer hunting activities to keep you occupied. Wait, perhaps the reason I never see any deer is because I’m sitting in my blind reading books by Dr. Phil and screaming at the local flora... No, no.. The deer are to blame.